The Midnight News 10.06.03 

Posted By Hyatte on 10.06.03

Curses, Dirty Dutch, Hogan, Blowhards, Cybersex with Britney Spears, Advice, Flair, Quotes, and Gettin' Babes 

Hey. I don't really like your column, and I only read it when there's NOTHING else on the net. Your latest column was the first I read in close to 8 months. I'm just not entertained by your wack shit. I figured you'd like to get a little hate mail sent your way, so consider it done.

Fuck you in advance, thank you very much

MSD

Thank you, sir.

dude,when did your column start to suck so bad? andy kaufman did it already 

bra...entertain your audience,not yourself.douchebag. aloha/shalom 

brutha, 

p.s. could we at least get a pattersom joke or two for old times sake? appreciate 

it brutha..

Mark,Milwaukee.

No, I think I’ll continue to entertain myself… like I’ve been doing since day 1… WAAAAY before this column started to “suck so bad”

So you want a Patterson (or “pattersom” which is what the cool kids call him these days, I guess) joke “for old time’s sakes”… sort of like the one found in last week’s column? 

Piece of advice folks… if you are going to criticize my column, at least PLEASE try to read it first… that way you don’t seem quite so retarded.

Like this guy, who clearly read last week’s column:

I had Tammy last week and that's not her. Sorry, you've been duped. 

Scott Winter

So, is her ass fat?

I tend to think it is her… and if she’s not… I’ll still take an imitator. Hell, I STILL have nice long chats with that phony who pretends to be Trish Stratus. She’s adorable… the only problem I have with her is that she never remembers anything I tell her the week before. It’s as if she totally forgets about me the moment she logs off and only remembers me the moment she logs on. Bad for the ego. Hyatte always tries to be memorable… even to imposters.

Chris, I enjoy your column and have complimented you on your writing in the past. 

I understand the schtick.. I really do and for the most part despite being occasionally "nasty" ... it works and it is very entertaining if not hilarious at times..! Your writing is so superior over your colleagues.. it is not even close..! 

That being said... I am disappointed over this Tammy thing ... 

I guess I came in half way and didn't realize the running joke you have with Tammy... 

ok... I fell for the Tammy picture and bogus email address initially.. 

It was brilliantly set up with you giving her some false praise a couple of weeks before the "joke" started... I fell for it..! I thought finally someone was going to give her a break on the Internet... I guess I just don't get the joke... 

Honestly... What did Tammy ever do to you? 

She made all kinds of mistakes and she is now paying for them.... She is responsible for a lot of the mess that her life has become but there are other people.. .Millionaires in the biz.. who have held on to their "spot" in Wrestling who have done far worse things than she has... She was weak and she got busted for being "weak" but without naming names there are countless people still with high profiles who were a BIG part of her problem but have been allowed to go on with their lives and cash their big checks... 

There is depth to your writing style so I know you are no mindless 14 year old out there writing crap... 

I just don't get why you take delight in making fun of someone who is a victim for the most part... You jab someone like PAT PATTERSON.."fisting in the alley" That is very funny.... He has done "things" to earn his cartoon like stature... 

For all that is said and written about Tammy Sytch she truly loved the Wrestling business and to boot she is a decent person who has made some very poor decisions... Why is she fodder to be made fun of ? 

There is a blond in the WWE right now who got a 2nd chance after blowing off the Wrestling business to cash in... She has NEVER cared about the business and thinks that the fans are slime...! She came back to cash a cheque despite what Vince did to embarass her. 

It is all about the Benjamins with her...and she will do ANYTHING for said Benjamins...! 

. 

If ANYONE should be made fun of it is someone who clearly despises the Sport that I believe you still appreciate.. 

Anyways... not sure why I am writing.. 

I am sure this is probably making you laugh that someone actually cares to defend Tammy .. I am not one of the legion of 15 year olds with a hard on for Tammy coming to her defence...! I know her and know of her character and that is why I speak up.. I know that nothing I have written will stop you from mocking Tammy I suppose I simply just believe that you are better than this...

Another name that I deleted away before posting.

Like a moron, I actually e-mailed a response to this guy before realizing that he was being ironic.

Christ almighty first off I have to say, based on the content you used to provide at 411 I wasn't a huge fan. I was always moderately amused by your columns but you just struck me as an asshole. So I stopped reading. 

But in the onset of 3 am insomniac boredom I decided to read your column agian, then read your column at Flea's site. I still didn't find much to love in the 411 site (but really, I blame wrestling, as I'm completely disenchanted with it. Meh). Then I read your column at Fleas site, and your responses to peoples emails was a fucking beautiful thing man. 

I now have begun to realize that you are an asshole... with a heart of the purest gold. 

I hate to kiss anyones ass, but I think it's deserving in this case, you really are a prince among men for providing legitimate (while still funny) honest answers to the people who sent in questions to you. It's just nice to see somone actually doing something good just for the hell of doing it, almost inspires me to do something good myself. Almost.

On a final note now that the asskissing is done, it's a funny thing that makes people send these kind of emails to people they don't know, nor have never talked to in their lives. But hell, I at least feel better about doing this then sending random hate mail, that's truly deplorable. Why am I speculating on this? Who the fuck knows I sure don't, and I'm sure you could give a rats ass. So yeah... that'll be it.

YOU ROCK MY WORLD

I forgot the name

Thank you, but I do NOT have a heart of gold. I’m EVIL… EVIL!! BOOGA, BOOGA, BOOGA!!! No, really, I’m as evil as it gets. Look for me on the cover of Time with the headline: “Yup, I’m evil”. Evil! The Internet Boogy-man. Bad to the bone! 

Evil, right down to the core. Evil AND unlovable. Make no mistake

‘Allo wankers. I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. Well, as I said last week, I’ll have to think things over… and I did. 

Real quick, I decided that you readers are more than capable to decide who is ripping me off, and from what people have told me over the years, have no problems letting any writer out there know just how much of a rip-off they are. Basically, I decided that you readers have my back. No reason why I should punish you by walking away.

Besides, Widro and I are working on a special project. All I need from him I’ll make that announcement next week. (Just keep an eye on the 411 forums… heh… ha!)

So we have us some good news and some bad news this week… what’cha want first?

Okay, bad news it is… this will be a short column this week. Well, shorter by my standards at least. It’ll be a quick column because my cpu, old bessie, who has been with me from the days when I used to get into fights in the Prodigy chat rooms over the obvious anti-WWF bias on the room moderator, one Bob Ryder to the very first Mop-Up, right up until right here, right now, has finally decided to shit the bed. Even while I regulary erase all that kiddie porn from my temporary files AND history, the old tank just can’t handle all the information that these new fangled hard wires throw at it… it makes surfing around for fun stuff damn near impossible. So this week I’m going inside all my files and throwing stuff in the column that I’ve always wanted to get in there but couldn’t for one reason or another. So, consider this the big blow-out column… everything I have worth anything is going in.

The GOOD news is that my NEW computer will be ready on Tuesday… and all of my files will be transferred over into it, so I won’t have to schedule an appointment with my high speed company for a hook-up… which might take longer than a week. So, unless tragedy ensues, I won’t miss a week here and next week, I’ll be writing this column with a cpu that has an UNGODLY amount of memory…. In other words, by the end of the year I’ll have so much kiddie porn stuffed in this box it’ll make Pete Townsend go “Bloody ‘ell??”

So, this week’ll be sort of short, and packed with dumb stuff… I’ll also do all you mules a solid by throwing in more rasslin’ news than normal, only because Eric S is having installation problems of his own and won’t be with us this week. Someone WILL be filling in, but just n case the Midnight News gets to hang around on the front page for a day or so extra, I’ll make it more oriented to the theme… or something.

THE ORIGINAL JOBBERS TO THE STARS

That’s right, wall to wall RASSLIN’ news this week!!

Just as soon as I do this piece on BASEBALL!!!! PSYCHE!!!!!!

See, bet ya saw the headline and said, “well god damn, Hyatte really is gonna do wrestling news!!! HA!!! FOOLED YA!!! 

Anywhoo… ahhh October… the invigorating brisk of the cold morning air, the Heaven sent orange/yellow shades of leaves, the anticipation of Halloween. Yes, October is a fine month of the year… one of our better ones.

October also means that, after 182 games of relative boredom, Major League Baseball FINALLY rolls up it’s sleeves and gets to work. All summer we kept half an eye on the game, devoting nearly a full moment a day to what our favorite team did the night before, not really STUDYING the game or throwing tantrums when our favorite team gave up 2 in the ninth to lose the game… but we kept an eye on it, just to make sure our team was still in it in the Fall… 

See, baseball IS a boring game. And baseball players are a whiny lot. Throw the ball and hit the ball… in a nutshell, that’s all they have to do. Unlike football, no one on the Mets has to slam into a 350 pound linebacker 25 times within a couple of hours. Unlike basketball, no one on the Astros has to be 8 feet tall and spend 48 official minutes getting an elbow in the face or being lucky enough to have to deal with Shaq under the basket. Unlike soccer, no one on the Padres has to run around non-stop like a moron for… for however long that silly game lasts. In baseball, all you have to do is catch, hit and throw the ball. Plus knowing how to look focused when you’re sitting in right field with Randy Johnson on the plate is important… as is learning how to spit tobacco with the slickness.

But come October, baseball gets interesting… because it’s the play-offs… and a select number of teams compete against each other with one goal in mind… to beat the fucking Yankees… and maybe win the World Series… maybe… beating the fucking Yankees ALWAYS comes first though…

Currently, there are two teams who have a shot at beating the Yankees… and going to the World Series, but unlike most of the other teams currently fighting in the play-offs, the Cubs and the Red Sox both have something going against them… they are both saddled with a pair of curses… curses that keep them from EVER winning the series… EVER.

So, for you nose-breathers out there, I offer you this, freshly googled by a reader, a very succinct, brief, and informative explanation of what has made Cubbie fans and Red Sox fans miserable for almost a century now… come see why God Himself has turned his back on his own people:

The Curse of the Goat: 

The somber tale is familiar to longtime Cubs fans who had grown accustomed to pennant winners during the first half-century of Big League baseball. It was the 16th World Series for the Cubs when they played the American League's Detroit Tigers in 1945. Division playoffs were a long way off, and each team was the champion of its eight-team league. 

Fans laughed when a Chicago tavern-keeper, Sam Sianis-- angered over his ejection from a '45 Series game-- pronounced in his broken English: "Never agin will World Series be played in Wrigley Field." The laughter has died, as almost six decades have passed without the Cubs adding that elusive 17th pennant. They have become America's "favorite losers," as Chicago super TV station, WGN-- owned by the same company that runs the Cubs, the Chicago Tribune-- has given the perennial Cubs frustrations a national viewing audience.

One fan, angered by the Cubs image of ineptness, has proposed an exorcism to dissolve the curse. He even has arranged for the exorcist: Fr. Guido Sarducci, the "Saturday Night LIve" television identity of actor, Don Novello. Fr. Guido said he is prepared to come to Chicago to perform the exorcism. He would be resplendent in his vestments as he invokes a cleansing invocation while a cherrypicker lifts him high above the main entrance of the ballpark.

The original Billy Goat Sianis, who bequeathed his business-- and the curse-- to his nephew, gave Wrigley Field ushers good reason to eject him from that Series game against the Tigers. He used his second ticket to bring with him his tethered goat. Getting through the gates with his smelly pet was an achievement. Being ejected was a foregone conclusion, as nearby fans complained about the goat's odor.

As the years passed, the curse evolved into one of Chicago's unique traditions, like Ms. O'Leary's cow kicking over the lantern that started the Chicago fire. Mike Royko, Chicago's famed syndicated columnist, wrote an annual column about the curse-based failure of the Cubs.

In 1994, Tom Trebelhorn, one of a string of 10 successive Cubs managers to last no more than a year in the job, did his best to get rid of the curse. He arranged for the second generation Sianis and Cubs great, Ernie Banks, to join a robed group of chanting monastic monks in what was intended to be a curse-cleansing procession around the vine-covered interior walls of Wrigley Field. Nothing changed, and Trebelhorn headed out the Cubs managerial revolving door at the end of the season.

Trebelhorn made one mistake. He failed to involve an exorcist. Now the time has come. Fr. Guido awaits a summons to Chicago to evict the curse of the goat, and resurrect the glory days of the Cubs.

The Curse of Babe Ruth:

The inaugural 140-game season of the American League began on April 24, 1901. 

Boston's team was given the nickname "Americans" to differentiate them from the cross-town National League "Nationals." The press also dubbed them the Somersets, Plymouth Rocks, Collinsmen, Puritans and Pilgrims. Team owner John I. Taylor decided that, for the 1908 season, they would wear white uniforms with red stockings while playing at home. The name Boston Red Sox was born. Boston was the strongest team in the newly founded league, finishing first in six out of their first eighteen seasons. They appeared in five World Series between 1901 and 1918, winning all five. 

In 1914, the Red Sox (now owned by Joe Lannin) purchased the contracts of Ernie Shore, Ben Egan and a young pitcher named George Herman Ruth from the minor-league Baltimore Orioles. Ruth went by the nickname "The Babe" or "The Bambino." He was brought up to Boston's major league team on July 11, 1914. That season, he appeared in four games with a 2-1 record. The Babe had eighteen wins for the Red Sox in 1915, and 23 in 1916. Boston won both year's World Series. Baseball writers anointed Ruth as one of the best lefthanders the game had ever known. On October 9, 1916, he pitched a fourteen inning complete game victory over the Brooklyn Dodgers in game two of the World Series. 

In 1917, The Bambino led the league in shutouts (nine) and ERA (1.75), with a 24-13 record. Lannin sold the team to Harry Harrison Frazee at the end of 1917. Rosters were being decimated as players left to fight in World War I. Ruth helped by playing in the field (mostly in left) when he was not pitching. Despite batting in only 95 games, he hit the most home runs in the majors. He was on the mound for game one of the 1918 Fall Classic, where he pitched a complete game shut out to beat the Chicago Cubs 1-0. He would also get the win in game four of that series, helping the Red Sox defeat Chicago four games to two. Boston won three championships in The Babe's first four full seasons with the team. 

In 1919, The Red Sox and Ruth could not agree on a contract; the Babe settled for $10000 per year (other top players in the league were earning upwards of $15000). In addition to earning only half of what he felt was appropriate, The Babe no longer wanted to pitch; Boston's new owner Harry Frazee and Ruth were not getting along. Babe Ruth hit a record 29 home runs, more than any other major league team. 

Prior to the 1920 season, Ruth was sold to Colonel Jacob Ruppert's New York Yankees for $100,000, plus a loan collateralized by Fenway Park. Ruth's .376 batting average, 54 home runs and 137 RBIs generated attendance of 1,289,422 fans in his first year with the Yankees. That was the first time in baseball history that a team's home attendance exceeded one million. This led to the construction of Yankee Stadium, "The House That Ruth Built." On July 12, 1921, Ruth broke Roger Conner's record for career home runs when he swatted his 137th off of St. Louis Browns pitcher Dixie Davis. 

******

And there you have it. 

Of course, the Sox have a couple of OTHER problems… like a very temperamental and spoiled Pedro Martinez, a lazy Manny Ramirez, a very quiet Nomar Garciaparra who is probably already wondering about how many white actresses he’ll be fucking when he runs to Los Angeles next year, and a General Manager who needed a full season to realize that the Giambi he signed wasn’t named “Jason”. On the plus side, the Sox went through hell to pick up Kevin Millar from Japan and so far he’s earned every penny of the pay-out.

Still, they have a good team… and if God FINALLY decides to smile on them one more time… maybe, juuust maybe they will fullfill their dreams and do what many feel is impossible…

Take out the fucking Yankees. 

Fucking Yankees… how can anyone cheer for that corporate, soulless, bunch of capitalistic goosesteppers

And if the Red Sox DON’T win… well… my SECOND favorite team is whoever’s playing the fucking Yankees… except the Braves, of course.

HE’S BACK!!! HE’S BACK WITH HAIR!!!

Jason Powell took an hour away from getting felched by the Minnesota leather boys (well, have you SEEN his picture?) to send out a way, WAY inside VIP ONLY news report…

The NWA/TNA recently hired “Dirty” Dutch Mantel as Head Booker… with Russo being either out or reduced… I don’t know, no one is EVER clear on Russo’s role in this damn company.

Well, so far, no one has any complaints about ol’ Dutch, mostly because all Dutch has done so far is sit around and watch people. Tough to rile folks up if your just sitting there picking your ass. 

Anyway, every outlet that has reported this has yet to explain to anyone just who Dutch Mantel is. The guy has never worked a day in the WWF (and when he sent in his resume to Stephanie McMahon’s office, he got a phone call from her secretary asking who he was and has he ever had experience in the business before…. Which, as hilarious as it is, send poor Dutch into a rage), and the only WCW experience he’s ever had was that he teamed with Bobby Jaggers as the “Kansas Jayhawks” for a brief while. He’s never had any national exposure that I know of.

So who is Dutch Mantel? Well, I’ll tell you!

He has more backhair than Albert… and more facial hair than the hairy dude on “Survivor”

That’s all I know about the guy. The man managed to spend his entire career under the radar… I don’t even know if he had a finishing move. All I know is that he’s one hairy motherfucker. And he gets pissed if you ask if he’s ever wrestled before.

Oh, he also has the honor of being the color commentator for the PPV disaster known as “Heroes of Wrestling” where he made it a point of screaming, “KIDS, DO NOT, PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!” every ten minutes.

And that’s who Dirty Dutch Mantel is. There are actrually a LOT of guys like that who managed to completely miss the radar during wrestling’s 80’s heyday: Bob Sweetan, Dick Slater, Mark Lewin, The Irwin brothers, Bobby Jaggers, Haywood Jablomee, Jack MeHough…

HE’S BACK!! HE’S BACK WITHOUT HAIR!!!

And Hulk Hogan continues to squeeze every last drop of life out of his career by signing with NWA for what appears to be a limited program.

See, what this boils down to is that Hogan has endurance… like with the Ultimate Warrior, he knew all he had to do was wait patiently and the opportunity to avenge his loss the the Dingbat Warrior would come. All Hogan had to do was sit back and bide his time until he got his shot.

So, on November 12th, Hulk Hogan will FINALLY get that damn win over Jeff Jarrett that was denied to him a few years ago when Jarrett just lied down and Russo ran out there and did that shoot promo. (naturally, Hogan had the brains to put his foot on Jarrett and take the pin)… FINALLY, Hulk-A-Mania will tie up that loose end.

And the sumbitch will get paid like a muthafukka for it!

Hate him all you want, Hogan is one savvy businessman… well, his Jew lawyer is at least.

And after TNA… Hogan’s gonna work a program with the Ring of Honor boys… those pussies… you don’t shake hands after a hard fought match… you stand in the ring and POSE FOR AN HOUR!!! For crying out loud… Hulkster’s gonna show those kids what’s up… and they all had DAMN WELL better sell that legdrop… DAMN WELL!!

The hell is Hogan doing with the NWA hillbillies anyway… Jesus, have a little dignity, Hulkster… just a smidge.

W(ORLD) W(AR) E

Rumors are heating up with the possible news that Bret Hart WILL return to the WWE to jack with Kurt Angle at Wrestlemania… it’ll be Canada vs America and people are drooling!!!

Now when will they finally get around to bringing back Owen? I mean, this damn “dead” angle has gone on long enough! Where’s the pay-off? 

I mean, hell, let’s be creative here… have the Godfather go back to being Papa Shango and have Shango “resurrect” Owen as a zombie character… and after awhile, Owen can turn against Shango and go Face… and then when he goes to the ring to cut his first promo, Shango can snap his fingers and make Zombie Owen’s jaw drop out, “Enough is enough and it’s time for a (*snap) CHA…” (*clunk)

See… Vince can have a little fun at Owen’s expense and gross out everyone t’boot!

Everyone wins!

…..

…. Umm… how about we all just sit back and reflect on just how sloppily I used the Bret/Kurt rumor and turned it into one of the lamest Owen Hart jokes anyone has ever seen……

…..

… wow man…. Just….. wow.

MY THREE STOOGES

For any of you new readers out there…

OORick is the screen name of a web writer named Rick Scaia who, based on the fact that A: He’s been around a really long time and B: he once, for a very short period, was a bit of a popular writer, considers himself way above everyone else. I’ve never liked him since day 1 and I take great joy in watching people break his balls. 

DevilsNightOut13 (11:20:50 PM): Oo wee oo I look just like Buddy Holly. OO 

and you're OORick

DevilsNightOut13 (11:21:08 PM): I'm having an orgasm again! OOOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOOOO! RICCCCCCCCK!

DevilsNightOut13 (11:25:15 PM): I'm sorry. I love you

DevilsNightOut13 (11:25:22 PM): With all my heart

DevilsNightOut13 (11:25:48 PM): Why are you so cold? What have I ever done 

to you?

DevilsNightOut13 (11:26:06 PM): I told you, it happens to lots of guys

DevilsNightOut13 (11:26:33 PM): OK, you win. YOU can be the bad cop tonight. BUT JUST THIS ONCE!

DevilsNightOut13 (11:26:42 PM): Now, gimme some sugar

DevilsNightOut13 (11:27:01 PM): You're colder than a witches teat

DevilsNightOut13 (11:27:32 PM): My dick:

8===========================D

Your dicK:

8D

Previous message was not received by OORick because of error (11:27:32 PM): 

User OORick is not available.

God Bless America.

Whenever I target Scaia, one of his dippy writers grabs a thesaurus and runs to weinerville to swat me around a bit with a lot of big words (to prove that he’s a lot smarter than me, don’t you know). I would mention him by name, but I sort of like him right where he is, sitting in relative IWC obscurity and begging people to read his column. Besides, Josh Grut slapped him around a bit on a particular thread and he backed right down… wimp. Grut shouldn’t be able to slap ANYONE around. Heh.

“Gimme some sugar”… HA! 

DISSING THE MAN WHO WOULD DIS KING

Last week I posted a dissertation from a blowhard who was quite pissy over Stephen King winning some award and JK Rowling having a career. I thought that you might like to see what he looks like and read what an Ivy league reader has to say about the man… just doing my part in making sure you all have all the facts.

Dear Mr. Hyatte, I worked at a library in Yale, and had a chance to meet Mr. Howard Bloom. He looks EXACTLY like Scott Keith will in about 40 years. I'm not kidding. I've included a link to a page with his picture here (pardon crappy AOL interface). It's near the bottom of the page. You'll spot him immediately. It's the tired, insane looking fat guy. 

http://www.loc.gov/loc/lcib/0012/cfb.html 

I've met him and he resembles Scott Keith in other ways: 

1) Knee-jerk reactions based on authors reputations. If you look at his Western Cannon list, you'll see what I mean. You can tell he only grudgingly pics some of them. 

2) Amazingly high opinion of himself. The man actually says, "Do you know who I am?" to library staff when he can't get his way. 

3) Those who disagree are dismissed without a rebuttal because they are below him. 

4) The steadfast belief that anything populist is crap simply because most of the people like it. 

5) A small, amazingly devoted following. It's amazing how many people won't develop an opinion without consulting what Mr. Bloom has to say. 

6) The inability to get laid. 

In fairness, I made the last one up. I think. Even so, he is truly a gigantic ass. In more ways than one. 

A few words about Harry Potter, while I'm here. In children's lit circles some of us refer to the third Harry Potter book as "Harry Potter and the Author who Discovers how to Write a Plot." She currently suffers from the same problem that Steven King seems to: nobody is editing her work. "Hey, Ms. Rowling you don't have to tell us about the entire walk between the office and the dorm because NOTHING HAPPENS." She doesn't write very goodly, but I can say for her that some of the kids who read her books do make the jump to better literature like the His Dark Materials and Narnia series. 

Wow! It actually hurt to write that paragraph. 

Your selections for your book club have been, for the most part, very good. Keep plugging along. 

Eric

Sad part is he’s right… about the Scooter connection.

The sadder part is, if you go to the linked page, you’ll see an even FREAKIER looking dude in a picture above the one that has Mr. Howard

But, the SADDEST part in all this is… what the hell is a Yale man doing reading me? I mean, I’m supposed to be the writer that only IDIOTS read… the one that the TRUE INTELLECTS avoid! Some wrestling writers INSIST that my audience is strictly low-brow mouth-breathers. This COMPLETELY ruins the curve here. Smarten up, Einstein! You should be reading THE RICK!

Good God… now I have to post this next section just to remind you how dumb this column is:

BRITNEY SPEARS AND THE VEGETARIAN

I’ve had this for so long it’s not even funny.

Well, the material IS funny, but the fact that I’ve had it in my possession so long… well, you know…. Shaddup you.

I don’t know where this took place, or who anyone is here… but goddam, this is amusing stuff

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight? 

BritneySpears14: Aight. 

bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah. 

BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja. 

bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat. 

BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up. 

bloodninja: Me too baby. 

BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest. 

bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman. 

BritneySpears14: Hey... 

bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite. 

BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it. 

bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty Fuck of the Beyondness. 

BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous. 

bloodninja: Don't fuck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands. 

bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid. 

BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of shit. 

bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal. 

bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him. 

bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now. 

bloodninja: Baby? 

But my man wasn’t through with Miss Spears… oh no.

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready? 

eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready. 

BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee. 

eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies. 

BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you. 

BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique. 

eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat. 

BritneySpears14: What the fuck, I told you not to message me again. 

eminemBNJA: Oh shit 

BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you fuck up. 

eminemBNJA: Oh shit 

BritneySpears14: damn I gotta write down your names or something 

HAW HAW HAW!!!

Finally, my man finds himself with a girl who has a fondness for produce…

bloodninja: Wanna cyber? 

MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables? 

bloodninja: What like gardening an shit? 

MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that. 

bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out 

bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes. 

(pause) 

MommyMelissa: is that it? 

bloodninja: You water your tomato patch. 

bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce? 

MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me? 

(pause) 

bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily. 

bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains. 

MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis. 

bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots. 

bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this shit is HOT. 

MommyMelissa: …

bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love. 

MommyMelissa: What the fuck is this madlibs? I'm outta here. 

bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch. 

MommyMelissa: whatever. 

My zucchinis caresses your carrots. Damn, I’ve got to use that line one day 

Thanks to whomever Bloodninja is.

LADIES LOVE COOL HY

This has nothing to do with anything, and you’ll probably get bored mid-way… but too frickin’ bad… WHOSE column is this again? That’s right!

Having chick readers is unusual enough, but when one of them is a beautiful, proud black angel from New York, well, ol’ Cool Hy has to do some investigating:

Hyatte1com: … and then sticking my big toe in there was easy!

.Stormi: What a charmer 

Hyatte1com: Say, what’s your name anyway? Can I guess?

Stormi: Sure

Hyatte1com: Let’s see…Shaniqua?

.Stormi: no

Hyatte1com: Wait a second… SHANANAY!!

Stormi: no

Hyatte1com: Latricia?

.Hyatte1com: Gloriqua?

Hyatte1com: Naturael?

.Hyatte1com: Harmoniscious?

Hyatte1com: Nosmo King?

.Stormi: no, no, no, no, and God no

Hyatte1com: Lemme think here…

Stormi: Keep this up and I’ll start calling you Scooter

Hyatte1com: WAIT!! Don’t!… okay, seriously… Melody!

.Stormi: No

Hyatte1com: Juliet!

Stormi: No

Hyatte1com: Angelica!

.Stormi: no

Hyatte1com: Esmeralda!

.Stormi: no

Hyatte1com: Betty?

Stormi: no

Eventually, I got her name… and blocked. Dammit… another rejection. I seem to be collecting them lately. Must be in a slump.

Which, of course, doesn’t mean I can’t dispense ADVICE ON THE SUBJECT!!!

HYATTE’S GUIDE TO LIFE: A SAMPLER

This time it’s only half my fault!

I still do an advice column over at Flea’s site, but this time Flea himself wrote to his writers and said that he would be away for a few days so don’t bother submitting anyway…

He wasn’t lying, either… see, unless his plans have changed, (as they are wont to do), today will be the first ever HYATTE/FLEA SUMMIT MEETING!! He’s shooting up to lil’ RI so we can meet, greet, chow, and drink and basically call each other a cocksucker live and in person (and just to appease the mark in him, I’ll take him to the famous “Friendly Tap” which I’m SURE will make him come in his pants)… which marks the very first time ANYONE has seen the mighty Hyatte in the flesh… so I’m SURE you’ll be pestering him for a description.

Anyway… it’s been two weeks since I advised anyone on anything, and I KNOW some of you people have been WAITING SINCE FOREVER for me to tell you what to do… here are three questions, chosen randomly, from my files…

I’m a 23 year old actor who recently moved to Milwaukee. Several old college buddies live in Milwaukee as well, and they've gone to the trouble of introducing me around to their friends so I can feel more at home in the city, and so I can start networking around the theatre community in the city (because it's definitely all about who you know). All well and good.

One of these new friends, a girl I'll call Lynn, recently divorced and I'll get to that in a minute, has invited me out repeatedly to go with her and her group (some of whom I've met) out to the clubs. Also all good- I'm not looking for a relationship because I like my alone time too much, but I do like to get laid every now and then.

Well, last night I found out from our mutual friend Vince that Lynn is very active and influential in a swingers group (interestingly enough that's how Vince met her, but that's a whole other story) and that this is in fact the group I'm being invited to go out with, and essentially join. It also turns out that it was this same swingers group that broke up her marriage and another marriage (broke the rules, lots of drama, etc.)

I was a little taken by surprise by this, and I'm more than a little leery of getting too heavily involved with these folks. The idea of a lot of strings-free sex appeals to me, obviously, because I have a dick, but there's a lot of unknown territory here. I don't really know anything about what a swingers group is, other than wacky sitcom portrayals and the obviously skewed assurances from Vince that this is one of the best things that could ever happen to me, especially since some of these people are theatre folk, and I'd at the very least get the chance to network some.

So I turn to you for the straight dope. What exactly are swingers all about? And how much potential does this whole idea have to be more trouble than it's worth? I'm not going to do anything stupid myself like fall in love with a married chick, or ruin my career in this town by pissing off the wrong people, but if this group has already destroyed two marriages, there's probably a lot of drama in this, which I don't really have a lot of tolerance for. So is this worth the potential gains, or am I better off keeping my distance here?

Sorry this was so long, but I love to ramble, cause I'm a douchebag. Thanks for any help you can give.

Ken

What are swingers, hmm? Well, unless TV and movies have been lying to me all this time, “Swingers” are married couples who actively seek out other married couples and engage in husband and wife swapping. It’s to spice up their marriage.

People organize “Swinger Parties” so couples can indulge in this practice in a safe, secure environment. For some reason, this is considered illegal and is done on the dl. No clue why, other than the fact that the separation of church and state is not as separated as people think… damn Catholics.

You didn’t say if you were married or involved with anyone, and based on the tone of your letter, I’m gonna assume that you aren’t. Which makes you unmarried, and therefore incapable of being a “swinger”; therefore, I think you are invited to these parties because some married couples want a thing where the wife does a different guy and the husband sits back to the side and watches the action with his hand firmly around his pecker. Some guys just want to watch… and they want to watch YOU, stud!

Logic dictates that “swingers” who join these clubs are very careful about who they swing with, and it’s up to the organizer to carefully screen the members… which is why “Lynn” was so interested in hanging with you, she was testing you to make sure you weren’t psychotic. The fact that she let it be known that you are invited to come over means you passed with flying colors. It’s all very flattering, isn’t it?

Now it’s up to you. Do you like the idea of doing someone’s wife while he watches? Maybe a couple of wives? Are you prepared for the fact that some of these swinging babes are probably 40 year old housewives with chubby butts? Can you handle being a boytoy? Because that’s what you’re looking at, in a nutshell.

Do I recommend you do it? Yes and no. I recommend you go to one of these parties and check it out. See what the scene is, do a little networking. It may be for you, it may not. Don’t feel pressured, though. The very existence of Swinger Clubs is so all the pressure is taken off. If you decide that this sort of action isn’t your bag, politely decline the invitation. No one will hold it against you. 

And if they do, fuck them and call the cops… some MAJOR laws are being broken here. 

I don’t see any problem here… but I HAVE to wonder, what the FUCK are you doing in Milwaukee? Actors who want a career go to NEW YORK or LOS ANGELES!! Dude, “Laverne & Shirley” ended 100 years ago… and wasn’t exactly filmed on location, you know. You want to be an actor, quit wasting your time in Milwaukee… Jesus.

This one is complicated....just bear with me.

Six years ago, I met this girl...lets call her "Nicole" for now. Me and Nicole became very good friends, then we started to mess with each other. The flirts, the flings, the sexual conversations, the personalities clicking, the feeling up one's body, the whole nine yards. 

But since we were both dumb teenagers, we never had the courage to show our parents how we felt about one another, and we never actually became a couple. 

My parents and her parents also became the best of friends. They became so friendly with each other, that they decide to become.....a "godfamily". So that means Nicole, her brother, sisters, and her parents, are now my fake family, but I have to treat them like real family. As soon as this happened, all the flirting and flings stopped between me and Nicole.

Well, six years later, and this fake family thing is working just fine. We all are believing that we are family. Nicole now goes to a college, about half-hour for where I live. But she stops by my house every day to hang out before she goes home.

All of a sudden, the flings and flirts cme back up again. Personality clicking, eyeing each other, all of that. And we both have developed quite nicely over the years, but this is more than a physical thing. But now we both feel guilty because we're supposed to be a "godfamily". Her brother and sisters REALLY love having me as their fake brother, and her parents LOVE me as their fake son. I don’t really know what to do. Should I tell them to end this fake family? Should I tell Nicole to stop with the flirting? Am I crazy for even having feelings for her again? What should I do?

Name Withheld

You have feelings for her again… yet you didn’t go into any details. How deep are your feelings? Are you really into her? Could this be love?

This is sort of a reverse Romeo and Juliet.

This is a tough position to be in, but not in ways you think. See, because you are practically family, even if you guys try out a big relationship, what happens if it ends badly? You will still see each other for holidays and weddings and the like. Since your families are intertwined so deeply, she’s going to be a huge part of your life forever. If you two do hook up, and it’s a happily ever after thing, then great! Because you both will have a very good, very well-grounded family support group backing you up. You don’t even have to worry about meeting the in-laws and making a good first impression… they already know both of you, probably better than you know yourselves.

Now, if it ends badly… if it doesn’t work out, not only will you still see each other all the time, but you could very possibly tear the pseudo family apart. Sides WILL be taken… oh yes… bad blood could emerge from all this. It’s really VERY tricky.

How bad do you want her anyway? Has the six years of being platonic changed you? Do you see a future? Do you WANT one?

And also keep in mind that girls who first go to college get scared quickly… they start to realize that adult-hood is just a few years away and it frightens them. She might just be going back to the eyelash batting just because it takes her back to a more innocent time. It may mean nothing and in fact, you would be better off pushing her away and telling her that the future is not that scary… because if you do let her indulge in this nostalgia, she’ll probably end up resenting you for it.

Wait her out and see what happens… if she gets more aggressive with you, then have a sit-down and talk it out. You’ve known her all your life, you can be honest and open with her. I also recommend that you find a family member (from either side) that you trust and who can keep his or her damn mouth shut and tell the story to… get a feel for how this will change things. 

Just know that if this really is love… because of the family situation, you probably have a better shot than most at making it work. This all reeks of Italy… are you guys Sicilian or something? The dagos are BIG with family stuff like this. Family and pasta… that’s all the Italians know… hair too, they know a lot of hair… all over the place. And swears… I’ve yet to meet an Italian who doesn’t swear there fucking asses off.

Hi Chris

Let me begin by telling you that the only complaint I have about your advise column is that you should have done it a long time ago. I have been a fan of your columns since your days at scoops. Your Raw and Nitro recaps were in my opinion the closest thing to watching the live show. I want to thank you for dedicating some of your time for all your recaps, AAT's and rants. I really appreciate it. 

I live in Puerto Rico and I am thinking about moving to the states to live. What places do you recommend? Thanks. There is so many things I would like to talk about but

I do not have the time for them. Thanks again my friend and keep up the good work. The Internet is not the same when you are not around.

Luis in Puerto Rico

Thank you Luis.

Where in America should you move to? Miami. There are tons of Cubans and Ricans in Miami. Plus it’s always unGodly hot down there… lots of babes, too… lots of homos and trannys as well. You’ll feel right at home!

Or L.A. … because there are ALWAYS movie and TV producers looking out for Hispanic men for films and shows. One day you bump into Stephen Bocho and BOOM, before you know it you’re being frisked by Dennis Franz while he calls you a “douchebag!”

Then there’s New York… lots of Hispanics there too… lots of nightlife as well… problem with that is the place is DAMN expensive!

Umm Chicago? Waaaaaay too cold, jack.

New Orleans? Evil place, man… maybe the most evil place in the world… other than Brooklyn, of course.

Nah, go to Miami… you’ll have a blast.

And that’s it. I promise… a FULL column over at 1ryderfakin later this week… so ask your questions.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE A MARK IF…

This kinda/sorta goes hand in hand with the Guide to Life sampler above… but then again…

Hello I am a long time reader of 411 and I enjoy reading your midnight news 

segments, I find them very entertaining. I was wondering if you know of a 

website that sells old raw episodes, specifically I am looking for the march 

5, 2001 episode. I have looked all over and not had any luck. Thanks

Dominic

No, Dominic, I don’t.

See, if someone WAS to sell old Raw tapes WITHOUT the WWE’s permission, well then they would be in big legal trouble… only the WWE is allowed to make money off it’s own intellectual property… no one else can.

Scherer advertises stuff like this all the time… people who freak out over missing last night’s RAW and Smackdown RUN online and BEG someone for a copy in exchange for other tapes and somesuch… every time I see one of these people all freaked ‘cause they miss one damn show I start to weep… yes, I WEEP!! I WEEP FOR MANKIND!!!

People… I know, I know some of you are SO hard-core fans that this is your LIFE (*CoughscooterHACK*)… and you feel that you need EVERY SINGLE EPISODE in order to survive!…

Folks, please listen to me… you DON’T need every episode… you can GO A WEEK without seeing Raw… you can go a WEEK without seeing Smackdown (and that includes Bottom Line and Velocity)… try it just once, I’m begging you… try it and notice how the air smells cleaner… how your food tastes better… how the sun feels warmer. Go outside and start putting one foot in front of the other again and again, pushing you in a forward direction… they call that walking. Now, feel your breath go in and out faster and faster… put your hand to your chest and feel that increased rhythm pound against your chest… like a drum beat… it’s called your heart pumping blood through your veins. All that blood is carrying something we call oxygen to every part of your body. The more you walk, the more oxygen your body needs… continue this trend for 45 minutes.

Welcome to Exercise! It’s fun!!!

Guys… seriously… for real here… you really can go one week without the High-Lite Reel… you can go one week without a John Cena non-rap. You can go one little week without watching Steve Austin look miserable because he can only talk and can’t actually compete anymore… you can go ONE WEEK without watching Brock Lesnar learn the fine art of non-selling (that guy will be worse than Goldberg AND Triple H within a year)… you really can… one little week! I SWEAR TO GOD!!

Then, after you accomplish that… we’ll go for TWO! Don’t worry, Hyatte will hold your hand through it all… I’ll be there the whole way.

Oy and vey

IF YOU BOOK HIM, THEY WILL COME

Okay, you babies… not enough rasslin’ material here, huh? FINE!!

Hogan and Savage are the only ones who can put butts in the seats:

Eric Bischoff, backstage at Nitro, a few years ago. One of many ignorant things Eric said back when he was deep in his “Uncle Eric” mode (as opposed to today when Eric is simply FAWBULOUS).

Well, I beg to differ. Some time ago, I found this information on a message board somewhere. It’s a rundown (oh no, a monkey is humping my face, arrrgh) of some cards that had Ric Flair as the headliner. Note the dates… these matches took place during Flair’s heyday. 

Now I don’t have the numbers with me, but if you exclude the huge cards like Wrestlemania and SummerSlam, I’m willing to bet that Flair can honestly say that gate for gate, he matches his drawing power quite nicely with Hulk Hogan during HIS heyday:

Christmas Day 1982, Dallas: vs Kerry Von Erich (or maybe David) - 18’000 fans

February 11 1983, St. Louis: vs Bruiser Brody - 20,000 fans

March 12 1983, Greensboro: vs Greg Valentine) - 19,800 fans

July10 1983, Toronto: vs Harley Race at Exhibition Park - 20,700 fans

November 24 1983 Greensboro + closed circuit locations: vs Harley Race at Starrcade - 54,755 fans ( that’s a $600,000 gate, which would translate into a few mil today)

Christmas Day 1983, Dallas: vs David Von Erich) - 19,675 fans

May 06 1984, Irving, Texas: vs Kerry Von Erich at Texas Stadium (Flair dropped the title) - 32,130 fans

May 29 1984, East Rutherford: vs Ricky Steamboat - 13,000 fans

June 30 1984, Miami: vs Dusty Rhodes - 20,000 fans

August 24 1984, New Orleans: vs Kerry Von Erich at the Superdome - 26,000 fans

November 22 1984, Greensboro + closed circuit locations: vs Dusty Rhodes at Starrcade - 42,000 fans (That’s a $500,000 gate)

May 05 1985, Irving, Texas: vs Kevin Von Erich at Texas Stadium - 26,000 fans

June 01 1985, New Orleans: vs Terry Taylor at the Superdome - 15,500 fans

August 03 1985, Honolulu: vs Afi - 12,553 fans

September 28 1985, Chicago: vs Magnum TA at Comiskey Park - 21,000 fans

November 28 1985, Atlanta + closed circuit locations: vs Dusty Rhodes at Starrcade - 75,000 fans ($936,000 gate)

June 27 1986, Salt Lake City: vs Curt Hennig) - 11,557 fans

November 26 1986, Atlanta + closed circuit locations: vs Nikita Koloff at Starrcade - 14,000 fans ($950,000 gate)

So, Starrcade drew a hell of a lot less in 1986 than the year prior, but still made MORE money. And this was way before the NWA (WCW wasn’t in the picture just yet) gained national PPV clearance. 

God Bless Reaganomics!!

55 THOUSAND people stuffed themselves in the Greensboro building and surrounding closed circuit locations to see Flair take the title from Harley Race (and I believe Piper and Valentine went at it in a dog collar match on that card too)… amazing.

But look at those numbers… right now, the WWE would KILL for 14’000 filled seats.

And Flair didn’t have to make a single movie… WHOOOO.

It’s real easy to see why. Just watch Flair today. Even when his only job is to hang out at ringside while Triple H or Randy Orton wrestles, Flair’s the one who draws the most attention. Even just hanging around and making a nuisance of himself, Flair goes the extra distance.

WHOOOO!!!

There… a little pure WRESTLING in your Midnight News… now all you of can go kiss my ass in hell.

A LIVE MIC = DANGER

Great job and many thanks to all who sent out quotes for this and for movies. Keep ‘em coming.

In honor (or homage) to the obvious fact that he’s coming to the tail end of his career, I will dedicate most of this week’s quotes to one of the greatest mic men ever…. Just to drive you idiots NUTS:

*note: some of these may be wholly imagined.

I mean we just want to be fair. The NWO can be #1 and WCW #2. New Japan can be #3

ECW can be #4

Who?- Bischoff and Nash during Nitro

If I were Benoit and Sullivan here is how I would handle Woman. The money is on the dresser sweetheart, now don’t let the door hit you on the way out - Nash

Oh Christopher, Hunter can learn a thing or two from YOU- Trish Stratus.

I think the whole world wants to know one thing about Lex Luger. Hey Lex, WHATD'YA BENCH, LEX, WHATD'YA BENCH!!!- Nash

SHOW YOUR TITS, SHOW YOUR TITS!!

I would but it’s awfully cold out here, guys- Nash

and finally… making it’s umpteenth appearance in this column…

Where’s the Dog when you need him the most?- Nash

God Bless the Big, Lazy Bastard!

GIVE HIM THE BOOK, VINCE!!!! LET NASH RUN RAW!!! HE’LL TURN IT ALL AROUND!!!! I SWEAR!!

Ohhhh fuck it… one more for the road:

Did you know Tito holds a place in Guiness Book of World Records?

Yeah? For what?

He picked 1,600 heads of lettuce in 1/2 an hour.

Will you stop!!- Heenan and Monsoon.

Thought you’d enjoy that one!

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH… BE WITH…LINE?

You know, like with the wrestling quotes you guys are more than welcome to send in favorite movie quotes too… just make sure they are accurate.

In honor of nothing I will dedicate a couple of this week’s quotes to the fine, cheesy, ridiculous work of non other than TROMA FILMS…

I look at it this way: I'll never have to see the ugliness of poverty, or war, or the Chevy Nova.- blind girl in The Toxic Avenger Part III- The Last Temptation of Toxie 

A word with me? How about a word for me? Or better yet, how about a word for you? Let's see, a word for Tyrone Capulet. Boofball. Dickbag. Peon. Freak. Cocksucker. Shithead, ratcatcher, geek. Loser, anus, fruitcake, lunk, fiddlefucker, dweeb, feeb. Cunt. Assfuck; ah, that one's close to the mark. How 'bout guinea, schmuck, or pussyfart?- 

Tromeo and Juliet

Maybe you'll feel better after we have some dirty sex. -Dirty Work

200 francs, you use a condom, and I don't do kinky stuff.

How do you define kinky stuff?

You on me.- Killing Zoe

You will give your rifle a girl's name because this is the only pussy you people are going to get. Your days of finger-banging ol' Mary Jane Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over!- Full Metal Jacket

Khan… I’m laughing at the superior intellect!

(Khan, clearly pissed) Full impulse power

NO SIR!! You have Genesis, you can have anything you…

(grabs him by the uniform) FULL IMPULSE POWER!!! DAMN YOUUU- Star Trek II: The Wraith of Khan

Was Mr. Rourke ever better? Was Shatner? WAS STAR TREK????

NO, DAMMIT!!! NO!!!

BACK WHEN I WAS FUNNY…

We wrap this up with a little old school bit from the glory(dog) days of the Mop-Up… with NEW material thrown in for shits & giggles

In a recent RAW magazine, the lovely Trish Stratus gave an unusual interview that had little to do with rasslin’ and a LOT to do with how her love life is going. 

Since I must be aware of all things Trish these days, I read the thing… in it, she said that pick-up lines NEVER work with her… just the opposite, in fact. She recommends that you be open, honest, and “totally yourself” with her and maybe, possibly you’ll get her interest… you won’t get LAID of course… she doesn’t do rats… she says she usually becomes friends first.

Now, I don’t know how much of this I buy… but I do know that lots of people have very cheesy one-liners that bomb out miserably with the babes… I, of course, have AWESOME pick-up lines… SO awesome that they could probably change Trish’s entire opinion on the topic… of course, most of them apply ONLY to me… but with a little re-arranging, you, yes YOU, John Q. Virgin can also establish first contact with a honey… it’s all within your grasp…

So, without further stalling…

HYATTE’S PICK-UP LINES

"Hi, my name is Chris, it rhymes with piss"

"Hi, thousands of 12 year olds worship me"

"Want to buy the King of the Internet a drink?"

"I write a column that’s adored by tens of thousands, and one day, I hope to get paid for it!"

"I used to play in Quiet Riot!"

"If you let me get you drunk, I’ll let you puke in my toilet."

"Come to my place. We’ll go on AIM and watch a bunch of teenagers kiss my ass."

"Hey, the best part is that if you get pregnant, you’ll never see me again!"

“I got tickets to the Huey Lewis and the News concert”

“You’ll fall in love with me within five minutes”

"Didn’t I see you in a Seymour Butts video?" 

"Sweetheart, you haven’t lived until you’ve had a fat ass"

"If that jerk you’re with has a web page, I can chase him off the Internet inside 2 months"

"Hey baby, every week hundreds of people tell me I suck, wanna see for yourself?"

"Don’t move... you have a cockroach on your chest, let me brush it off."

"Don’t move... you have a cockroach on your fly, here let me... ooops, it just went down your pants... I’ll get it."

"I may not be Freddie Durst, but I have one Hell of a Limp Biscuit."

"My Mom died, please blow me."

“Should I call 911? Because there’s a fire in your pants!”

“Better talk to me now before the Horse tranq I put in your drink kicks in”

“Baby, most guys on the web are either bald, fat, or hippies… consider me a PRIZE!!”

“Jesus died so you could meet me.”

“Just to let you know, I naired out my pubes”

“Excuse me Miss Thing, but if I’m good enough for Trish Stratus AND Tammy Sytch, I am CERTAINLY good enough you’re your bony and/or fat ass”

It also helps to call them cute names: “Heartbreaker”, “Pumpkin”, “Blueberry Pie”, “Sweet Pea”, “Butterscotch Pudding Pop”, “Angel Food Cake”, “Shaved Shoulder Pork Chop”… you know, stuff like that.

Aaaaaand I’m done.

Let’s see… next week, big announcements, I’ll probably celebrate my high speed abilities with a little across the board action… maybe a little Hot Ass Gossip… maybe the return of Hyatteyak… I’m currently negotiating for the return of Hal Jotsky… and… umm… oh yeah “And Another Thing: The Taking of Triple H”. It’s coming… I swear to Christ, it’s coming. 

It’s coming, and I’m going. Gobble me crank ye scurvy dogs… I SAID GOBBLE!

This is Hyatte